Progressing Nicely

The enslavement of Gothica is progressing nicely. There was a pathetic peasant's celebration in the town today, which I almost succeeded in obliterating.

                                                                             *  *  *

It started with me, Pepper and Salt slipping quietly from my evil lair towards the village, each of us carrying a large quantity of explosives. Each of us meaning, Salt and Pepper were carrying them. I was busy too; I was using my far superior intellect to supervise and make sure they didn't mess up.

"Hurry up, would you?" I hissed back at Salt, who had been lagging behind at the time. He gave me a slight shrug and picked up the pace a little. Pepper rolled her eyes; I made a mental note to discipline her any time I felt like getting some sort of painful facial injury.

Ha ha. I am, of course, joking. It's not like she'd dare.

I left Mathew to hold down the fort. I think he was playing Solitaire on the computer when I left. He's addicted. It's the safest way to leave him.

We planted the miscellaneous bombs around the festival at strategic locations. There was dancing. I laugh with scorn.

While I was busy laughing with scorn, Pepper handed me the detonator. That wasn't surprising. I had instructed her to do just that. However, in hindsight, that was very probably a mistake.

 I slipped it into my Evil Black Coat of Darkness' pocket (which was a mistake to wear, because it was a hot, humid evening on a tropical island, but then, appearances are important), and just as I was finished laughing with scorn, someone grabbed my arm and pulled me into the circle of dancers.

I gagged to myself. Couldn't believe it. Dancing? Who in their own, twisted mind would dream of yanking me, ME into a circle of happy idiots clapping their hands in time to music?

I yelled, but I don't think anyone heard over the sound of the music and cheering.

Being shoved randomly about, I was passed off to the person behind me - what? Switching partners? What new imbecility was this? - and swung around.

As I was swinging, I caught a glimpse of the man's face. I didn't know his name, but I knew his face; he was one of the members of Captain Hero's "secret" rebellion. He was grinning. The fool.

I started to reach towards my pocket, towards the detonator, but he grabbed my wrist and twirled and shoved me backwards to the next man. I didn't recognize this one, but I still wasn't very pleased about it.

And then, as I was trying to fight to get away, across the circle of dancers I saw Captain Hero, dancing with some beautiful blonde with flowing skirts. I knew the girl. Her name was Chelsea. She was a doctor, of sorts. She helped in the rebellion. This wasn't right.

I struggled again to get free, and I was passed off to the dancer behind me. I screamed in anger at the way these idiotic natives were treating me. What did they think they were doing?!? Enough! They were, all of them, beneath me! I am an OVERLORD, you dull creatures, and will not be danced with by-!

Well, that's not precisely what I was thinking. It's a modified quote from the Avengers. But it's what I should have said.

I was passed to the next dancer. If I were a lesser creature, such as a normal human being, I might have almost found this enjoyable. Fortunately, I am not.

That was when I finally managed to get a hand into my pocket.

The detonator was, naturally, not there.

The man I was dancing with threw me to the side, into the middle of the circle, and all the dancers ran for cover, small children giggling with delight as parents pulled them aside.

The explosions went off.

I didn't get blown up, obviously. Just a little sore, from most of a palm tree landing on me. I also have another dislocated arm. Oh yes, and I'm writing this from a cell, using only one hand. That's a problem, too.

Not much of a problem, though. After Captain Hero cuffed me, I managed to grab a small bit of wire from one of the bombs. I'm picking the lock in between paragraphs. Yes, the cell has a computer. No, I don't know why.

So, I guess, soon I'll be trying again.

Finally Free

Well, the cold is finally gone, and it's about time, because with my cold went Captain Hero. Thank goodness, because he would not stop beating me at chess, which meant I had to cheat, and from my past track record you can imagine how that went over for me...

Since that time, there have been a few battles, and it's time to finally admit that I need some support. Which is why I am recreating the Nevermores.

They were my first attempt to start an army. On a different site, of course. It didn't go over so well, because I was a total novice then. But now, I'm trying it again. Please, join! Promotions are sure (eventually)! I'll try and get the actual blog sign-ups today.

This was a pathetically short post.

House Guests

I really loath house guests.

Specifically one house guest.

Specifically that one house guest who's punched me in the face so many times.

Anyhoo.

It was the morning after I got lost in the jungle, but it didn't look like morning. The rain was still pouring, though the wind had died down a little. The clouds made the whole thing so dark that it almost looked like night.

Of course, naturally, I had a cold. A cold. I am an overlord. I shouldn't get colds.

But I had one, and Salt said that there was actually no bloody cold medicine on the whole bloody island. Thanks to the storm, no contact was being made with the mainland or anything - of course, I don't make contact anyway, normally, because they actually don't know of my tyranny here.

So I sat and suffered in silence broken by the occasional groan or exaggerated fit of coughing.

Everyone was gathered in the only comfortable room in the fortress, which had a fireplace, a few bookcases, and some assorted chairs and such. Mathew was humming some annoying ditty while throwing bits of wood on the fire (the power was out, naturally). Salt lounged against the wall reading, while Pepper and Hero chattered over hot chocolate.

That was another thing that annoyed me; Pepper and Hero got along wonderfully. They bickered about some things, chatted over others, and the whole thing was irritating. I mean, they wouldn't shut up.

And I was lying, shivering, wrapped in blankets in the giant black armchair. I couldn't even kick Hero out of the fortress, and none of the others would. I mean, what kind of minions were they? They wouldn't even destroy the hero who we were fighting against. Totally ridiculous. If only I could reach my explosionator gun...

Continuation of Chaos

First off, I just figured I'd announce to the world that I hate this new blogger thing. I think the old way worked just find myself...

But I'm sure you're all anxiously  awaiting the thrilling conclusion to my wet and muddy adventure.

The rain continued to fall for hours as myself and Captain Hero staggered, lost, through the jungles of Gothica, which is annoyingly filled with vegetation.

I don't really know why C. Hero was out there, really. He didn't seem to be having a good time of it, anyway. I think it had something to do with the rain, or the winds, or the fact that he was rapidly running out of hair gel.

I suppose I wasn't exactly in top-notch frame of mind either, when it comes to it. In fact, quite the opposite; I was miserable. But there was little else to do besides tag along after C. Hero, so that's what I did. Of course, I made sure to always keep my hand on my stun gun (it was broken, but don't tell him that).

It was several hours later, when the first sign of human life other than myself (Captain Hero is classed with other bipeds such as orangutangs) in the form of Pepper. Clad in a bright orange raincoat (memo to self: Buy the mercenaries more appropriate rain-gear; orange is not a suitable evil color), she was holding a battery-powered lantern.

"I've been searching for you for fifteen minutes!" she yelled faintly over the rain, completely ignoring Hero.

"Sorry to keep you bloody waiting!" I replied, in my usual, soft, sweet tones.

"I was just on the web," I heard her say over the winds, "and it looks like in a few minutes, it's going to get really bad out here."

"Heaven forbid it should get bad!" I screamed. "Drat it, Pepper, where's the fortress?"

"It's just beyond that clump of vaguely foreboding trees," she said, pointing with her free hand, and we stumbled off towards the obsidian shaded building. Hero trailed behind, and it wasn't long before we arrived at the fortress. Pepper banged on the giant main entrance, and the doors swung open, pulled by Salt.

"I've been looking for you for hours," I gasped as I trudged in.

"I was reading," he said quietly.

"Where, Nebraska?"

"Shut up," said Pepper bluntly. "Salt, go make some hot chocolate. Captain, will you please shut the doors? It's getting water on the floor, and I really hate mopping."

That was really only the start of that horrible, horrible week.

Tyranny suits me, I admit. It's such a nice feeling to do what you please, to tell others to do what you please, and to tax them till their eyeballs fall out if they don't obey you.

Of course, it's not all luxury out here in Gothica. Every time it rains, my evil fortress drips everywhere, and all the pots and pans get in my way when I'm trying to arrive at my torture chamber. And just last week Captain Hammer interrupted my evil schemes by destroying the left wing of the fortress. Unfortunately, I happened to be in that particular wing at the time, and now I have a sprained wrist and this very villainly scar across my lower jaw.

But other than that, it's been working out pretty well. I got some more henchmen in, so now I can afford to relax a little from the rebels and worry about assassination from within instead.

Of course, there was a  mild adventure the other day, which was horrifyingly embarrassing, as well as painful.

Gothica is located in an area which receives severe storm damage, and every inhabitant knows it's not a good idea to venture out when there's a storm warning.

Unfortunately, I'm not every inhabitant, and so when Pepper asked me to go out and look for Salt in the rain, I foolishly said yes. I mean, I can't have my prime lackey just going missing, not to mention he has my car keys.

Outside the fortress, it was practically a hurricane. Howling winds, pouring rain, generally not the place I really wanted to be. Pepper should be able to get her own dratted brother. Memo to self: Kill Pepper at earlier possible chance.

So anyway, I was just getting started searching, when I heard some random shout in the distance. Supposing it to be Salt, I followed the noise.

It was an hour or two later when I began to feel a slight bit lost.

Anyway, as I was thrashing through the jungle, I came upon hell itself.

Or, in other words, my arch enemy.

Captain Hero, Corporate tool.

Of course, I wasn't exactly in a position to display my incredible prowess in battle, so I cleverly pretended to be temporarily incapacitated. This was easy to pretend, because I was tired, hungry, wet and miserable.

Of course, Captain Hero was wet too, but he was looking perfectly comfortable while he was soaked.

So anyway, after a few brief threats, we got down to business.

"Why are you out here?" he started with.

"I'm exploring my island, you twit."

"I should probably just kill you know."

"You're a hero type. You can't do that."

"Excellent point. So seriously, why are you out here?"

"I'm lost."

"That explains a lot."

"Why are you out here, then?"

"I'm..." he hesitated. "Exploring."

"Do me a favor? Explore in the direction of the fortress."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"I'm lost," he admitted, and we both groaned. I hate my life.

"That doesn't do either of us any good," I said after we were done groaning. "Seriously, don't you have some sort of GPS on your utility belt?"

"No, I get by on muscle alone."

"That doesn't help us much here."

He placed his hands on his hips, hair somehow fluttering in the breeze though it was soaking wet. "Good shall triumph!"

"Um."

"I will find a way out!"

"Uh-huh."

Valentine's Day

St. Valentine's day. A time for lovers, romance, eating chocolates until you explode and have to be mopped up, monstrously large and ugly stuffed animals, hearts, cards, and explosions.

Before I get into the discussion of explosions, I'd like to thank you all for your concern about my dislocated shoulder. There was no, y'know, audible concern, but I'd definitely like to think you were all worried about me (HEY! Quit throwing things!) so I thank you. Except you, with the big nose.

Anyhow, the first thing I did on Valentine's Day was get into an argument with Mathew about whether or not it was overlordly to give out flowers on Valentine's. After that, we were all business.

Since Mathew is supposed to be getting an education here, I figured I had better include him in my holiday preparations, so I allowed him to write the note, partially so he learns how to write phony messages, partially because I'd throw up if I tried to write it, and partially because he's got much better penmanship.

And here, without exaggeration, is what he wrote.

Dear Captain Hero,


I have always loved you from afar, watching you defeat that horrid villain, along with so many criminals, but now I manage to find the courage to present you with this box of chocolates, a symbol of my undying love for you, which, sadly, can be chewed and swallowed quickly, but while it remains, is beautiful. Please accept them with my gratitude for your always being there to lend a shadow of comfort to the miserable, wretched people of this town.

~Your 1'253th secret admirer.

Sappy, no? It was perfect.

The chocolates in question were poisoned, rigged to explode, filled with poisonous spiders, and the inside of the heart-shaped box was coated with broken glass.


I had Mathew leave it on the doorstep of Captain Hero's house, and we hid behind a bush to watch.

Unfortunately, Mathew had rigged the explosion slightly wrong.

After we cleaned the dead spiders out of our hair and clothes and ran down the street to avoid Captain Hero's fist of doom, I found a letter in the evil fortress.

Once I read it, it changed everything.

Feel free to guess what it was.

I'll tell you later.

But for now, know that it changed my life for good.

Apologies.

I apologize for my recent lack of blogging. It's partially due to the complexities of my sophisticated and elegant life, and partially due to my laziness.

And so, first order of business. Any tips for removing blood from couch cushions?

Second order of business:

It was come to my attention that Valentine's Day is tomorrow. And so, continuing the tradition that was started by my disastrous attempt on Christmas, I shall attempt to ruin St. Valentine's Day for my nemesis, Captain Hero, who is, unfortunately, still perfectly active. He recently dislocated my shoulder. Again.

This year, for Valentine's Day, my ultimate goal is to destroy the disgusting and abstract concept of romance. Should that fail, I'll settle for at least punching Captain Hero in the face a few times.

January 17th- A few tales of my amazingness.

First off, I'm pretty sure amazingness isn't a word. Whatever.

I actually succeeded in defeating Captain Hero in combat! See, he was charging at me, and I held up this huge mirror, and he got so distracted by checking his hair I managed to escape. So there was no actual combat, but still, I count it as a win.

After he was distracted trying to find me, I managed to finish my business, which was getting some gum from a twenty-five cent machine.

Later, I succeeded in another epic triumph, and that was disposing of all my intern's opera CDs. I have never been happier to smash something other than Captain Hero's nose. Ah, it was fun.

Of course, I'm sure he'll go out and buy a bunch of new ones. But still, a few days worth of peace.

January 12th- A short rant

Is there a single decent book on the face of the Earth?

I am sick of searching for teenage fantasy novels that aren't all about paranormal romance! When will these authors realize that repetitive plots and stupid good-looking male vampire/fallen angel/demonic characters do not make a good story?

Ugh.

Okay, I'm done now. Really, I am.

Ahem, so, back to the daily update of my evil doings.

Captain Hero beat me up again.

And shoved my head through another window. Ow.

December 25

The day's events were interesting and rather difficult.

As you know, for the past few days I have devoted much of my time to finishing the death ray, to be used on my nemesis, Captain Hero.

The day went like this.

I was in the laboratory, polishing the death ray. It was time to go. I put on my best black, evil costume and grabbed the ray.

I went to the Truck of Pure Evil and I drove to the meeting place of the Board of International Heroes. Snow was falling softly as I left the truck and entered the building by way of the skylight.

I dropped from the roof and, using my gravity-easing shoes, landed in the middle of the heroes. I pointed the death ray directly at Captain Hero, taking half a moment to enjoy his helplessness, my victory, and I pulled the trigger.

Nothing happened, other than a spark shooting out of the death ray.

My eyes widened, but before I could do anything, multiple superheroes attacked.

I was beaten, practically to death, and the death ray was destroyed in front of my eyes, before something hit the back of my head and I was knocked unconscious.

I woke up in front of my lair. I don't know why they didn't turn me over to the police. I don't know who brought me back. I hobbled, bruised and stiff, into the lair and collapsed on the floor.

I noticed something in front of me.

It was the mysterious package I had received days ago. It was Christmas, I realized, and now I could open it.

Inside the box was a tiny, artificial Christmas tree, a delicate angel topping it, colored lights wrapped about it.

I pulled it out, and it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. My first Christmas present.

Underneath it was a note, scrawled on a small piece of paper.

In exchange for the tree I stopped you from cutting.


Captain Hero

I dropped the paper and began to sob.

Day 18- Death ray

Well, since it is nearing completion, I thought I'd tell you a bit about the death ray.

The death ray itself is about two and a half feet long. It's pretty lightweight, considering its size, which is nice enough.

I'm not, embarrassingly enough, totally sure how it works. No wait, I do, I just choose not to tell you. It adds.... Like, intrigue or something that way.

The plan for the death ray is thus:

The Board of International Heroes is meeting at the city hall in the nearest large town. Captain Hero will be there, receiving a promotion, in front of a large amount of fans, fellow heroes, and a few wanna-be heroes who haven't yet earned the title of hero.

It's on that day that I shall take my revenge on the entire collection of heroes, for good. I'll kill Captain Hero first. Once they see the death ray in action, being the insecure bunch of cowardly politicians they are, they'll immediately surrender. I'll be the villain I've always intended to be.

Seven days until satisfaction.

Day 15- A new addition

Oh, no.

Oh no, oh no, oh no.

As you may have gathered, I live alone in my fortress (with the exception of a few random minions and henchmen). I'm fine with that.

And suddenly, I have an intern.

You wouldn't think it would be so bad. Not really. He's my cousin, and he's okay to talk with. But training? Ugh. Ugh, ugh.

This is going to be a long week. Or month. Or year. I don't really know how long he's staying. I suppose I could get him to do a few simple chores, maybe some menacing graffiti or something. He could break into a ninety-eight cents store or something. But really, he's hopeless. He lacks all evil potential.

Here's an example of what I mean. An accurate account of the yesterday:

'I walked into the room. There Mathew was (not a very over-lordly name), sitting on the couch of evil, writing a letter.
"What's that?" I asked.
"A letter."
"To who?"
"The Board of International Heroes. I want to lodge a formal complain about your treatment from Captain Hero," said Mathew, finishing writing and folding the paper into a nice, cream-colored envelope with a stamp depicting a puppy on it.
     Now, obviously a letter like that, especially from MY intern, would ruin my reputation as one of the better teenage villains in the country.
"You can't send that!" I said in absolute horror.
An argument followed, which started with the letter and ended with complaints that he was invading my personal space by doing things like eating my cookies or coming within eight yards of me while I'm trying to look cool while pulling off a robbery.



In the end, we solved the personal space solution in a very mature and reasonable manner: we drew a line across the middle of the onyx floor, dividing the fortress in half.

My half has the big screen TV.

I was writing this from my laptop while watching TV with smug satisfaction, when the mail man delivered a letter, from the Board of International Heroes, who have politely declined to terminate Captain Hero's job (and possibly himself). They also commented that it was rather unusual for tough evil overlords to whine.

Stupid TV.

Stupid intern.

Stupid letter.

Nine days till death ray completion. I might have a test target in mind.

Day 12, 13, 14

Uh-oh.

It has come to my attention that Captain Hero has learned of my death-ray, which is nearing completion. Through these past days he has attempted to find it- luckily I placed it in the one place no one will ever find, such as it is, buried within my fortress in a place of unrivaled secrecy (it's under my bed).

Ten days until completion.

Day 8

Okay, sorry for the delay, but I've been busy (I forgot).

Anyway, I will now try and catch up on the events of the past few days, which aren't particularly exciting.

Let's see.... I got beaten up by Captain Hero (he threw a car at my head), I destroyed a building (fine, fine, I admit it was scheduled for demolition anyway, but it still counts!) and I had a cup of tea. It was really gross.

So yeah. Busy day.

Sixteen days until the death-ray.

Day 7

The day's events were extraordinarily fortunate for me.

The night spent in the basement was long, made longer by the sound of Captain Hero watching television on the floor above us. My fellow villains were talking in a friendly manner, until they touched on the subject of why we were in our 'host's ' lair in the first place, specifically without his permission.

Once he found out he was pretty annoyed.

"You sneaked into my lair do destroy my death ray?" he bellowed at us.

"Yes," the two of us housebreakers said in unison.

He groaned. "It's not a death ray. It's a coffee machine. I called it a death ray because it doesn't sound very overlordly to say I built a coffee machine."

There was a few moments of silence, then my friend, thank goodness, announced that he had managed to untie himself.

He untied me too, and we both glanced at our mutual rival.

"He is competition," pointed out my friend.

"True."

"But he's not very good competition."

"Nope."

"But we still shouldn't risk letting him out. We did break into his lair, after all."

"That's also true."

So we left him. Captain Hero was asleep in front of the blaring TV, so we moved past him easily and left the lair.

My friend headed home, to his lair in Florida. I returned to my fortress as well.

Until tomorrow, my minions.

Seventeen days till completion of the death-ray.

Day 6

Today's events were mildly more exciting, by which of course, I mean completely chaotic.

My fellow villain and I were exploring a rival's lair without his knowledge, when my personal enemy, Captain Hero, decided to show up and, how does Hollywood put it, save the day.

Luckily for me, after he finished tying the three of us villains up, he destroyed the death ray that I intended to destroy myself, which was somewhat satisfying to watch. Unfortunately there is the small fact that I am currently tied to a chair in the basement, two other occupied chairs next to me, while Captain Hero is watching a movie on the other villain's high-definition TV. I am blogging on a laptop at my feet, typing with my toes. Brilliant. There had better be one heckuva escape plan being thought of by the two other villains in the room. Preferably one that involves me escaping too.


I brought some spare parts with me. Eighteen days until personal death ray completion.

Day 3

Today I decorated the lair for Christmas. After the failed bank robbery yesterday I didn't really have a lot of money for decorations, but I had a few strands of Christmas lights from last year and the year before and the year before that, I had my plastic nativity scene up, and I made some paper snowflakes, etc.

Of course, naturally I wanted a Christmas tree, so I went to cut one from the woods. Isn't it amazing I managed to pick the exact same day as Captain Hero?

Of course, he managed to find the best tree in the forest and was hauling it home with one hand, while writing all his Christmas cards at the same time, the jerk.


Despite my incredible super skills at hiding and camouflage (I jumped into a snowdrift) he managed to spot me.

Placing his Christmas cards and tree carefully on the ground, he thrust out his chin and issued some ridiculously egotistical challenge.

Of course, I proceeded to fight him in typical evil overlord fashion, which is to say, I turned and ran as fast as I could. And, for once, I managed to make it back to the EUL before he caught me.

Once in the EUL, I immediately headed into the laboratory and placed the unfinished death ray in the safe. I then headed to the safe room and, again in evil overlord fashion, locked and bolted the doors.

Outside came the sound of pure destruction.

When at last it was silent, I left the room, and discovered that my nemesis had indeed been busy. All the decorations were trashed. My snowflakes were ruined. My lights were shattered.

And I still need a Christmas tree.

On the plus side, the death ray is ahead of schedule. Twenty-one more days to go.

Day 2

Captain Hero beat me up again. Twice, actually. He's a jerk, I know. Who would dare beat me up? Besides someone with super strength, the ability to fly, and the power to keep his hair perfect all the time. Stupid hero.

Twenty-six more days until the death ray is finished.

Day 1

My first attempt at an account of my daily evil.

So, to business. I failed my first attempt at bank robbery last night. A pathetically common task, I am aware, but who's ever managed to conquer a nation without funds? No one at all. Thus, as pathetic as it was, I had to do it.

6:00 PM. Realized that I was out of propane. Thus the Underground Evil Lair (which shall now be known as the UEL) was getting a bit cool. I checked my personal vault, only to discover that I was out of money with which to pay for more fuel. I knew that extra torture chamber was a mistake.

6: 30 PM. After locating the keys to the Truck of Pure Evil, I discovered that the truck had two flat tires. Apparently my arch-nemesis, Captain Hero, discovered my lair. I should probably remove those directions from the internet.

7:00 PM. After failing to locate my spare tires, I hitchhiked to the nearest bank here in Redneckistan, which had closed for the night two hours previously. I was just preparing to launch my metal-melting gadget-thingy into the door, when Captain Hero, wearing his ridiculous outfit, stepped on my eight foot long cape, tossed me into the wall, shoved my head into through a window (that helmet actually works) and called the police. While he was explaining to them how he heroically apprehended the villain, with his hair blowing dramatically and his ultra-white teeth shining, and slammed her through a window, I managed to climb out of said window and sneaked home.

Twenty-seven more days until the death ray is finished.