December 25

The day's events were interesting and rather difficult.

As you know, for the past few days I have devoted much of my time to finishing the death ray, to be used on my nemesis, Captain Hero.

The day went like this.

I was in the laboratory, polishing the death ray. It was time to go. I put on my best black, evil costume and grabbed the ray.

I went to the Truck of Pure Evil and I drove to the meeting place of the Board of International Heroes. Snow was falling softly as I left the truck and entered the building by way of the skylight.

I dropped from the roof and, using my gravity-easing shoes, landed in the middle of the heroes. I pointed the death ray directly at Captain Hero, taking half a moment to enjoy his helplessness, my victory, and I pulled the trigger.

Nothing happened, other than a spark shooting out of the death ray.

My eyes widened, but before I could do anything, multiple superheroes attacked.

I was beaten, practically to death, and the death ray was destroyed in front of my eyes, before something hit the back of my head and I was knocked unconscious.

I woke up in front of my lair. I don't know why they didn't turn me over to the police. I don't know who brought me back. I hobbled, bruised and stiff, into the lair and collapsed on the floor.

I noticed something in front of me.

It was the mysterious package I had received days ago. It was Christmas, I realized, and now I could open it.

Inside the box was a tiny, artificial Christmas tree, a delicate angel topping it, colored lights wrapped about it.

I pulled it out, and it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. My first Christmas present.

Underneath it was a note, scrawled on a small piece of paper.

In exchange for the tree I stopped you from cutting.


Captain Hero

I dropped the paper and began to sob.

Day 1

My first attempt at an account of my daily evil.

So, to business. I failed my first attempt at bank robbery last night. A pathetically common task, I am aware, but who's ever managed to conquer a nation without funds? No one at all. Thus, as pathetic as it was, I had to do it.

6:00 PM. Realized that I was out of propane. Thus the Underground Evil Lair (which shall now be known as the UEL) was getting a bit cool. I checked my personal vault, only to discover that I was out of money with which to pay for more fuel. I knew that extra torture chamber was a mistake.

6: 30 PM. After locating the keys to the Truck of Pure Evil, I discovered that the truck had two flat tires. Apparently my arch-nemesis, Captain Hero, discovered my lair. I should probably remove those directions from the internet.

7:00 PM. After failing to locate my spare tires, I hitchhiked to the nearest bank here in Redneckistan, which had closed for the night two hours previously. I was just preparing to launch my metal-melting gadget-thingy into the door, when Captain Hero, wearing his ridiculous outfit, stepped on my eight foot long cape, tossed me into the wall, shoved my head into through a window (that helmet actually works) and called the police. While he was explaining to them how he heroically apprehended the villain, with his hair blowing dramatically and his ultra-white teeth shining, and slammed her through a window, I managed to climb out of said window and sneaked home.

Twenty-seven more days until the death ray is finished.