Friday, December 30, 2011

December 25

The day's events were interesting and rather difficult.

As you know, for the past few days I have devoted much of my time to finishing the death ray, to be used on my nemesis, Captain Hero.

The day went like this.

I was in the laboratory, polishing the death ray. It was time to go. I put on my best black, evil costume and grabbed the ray.

I went to the Truck of Pure Evil and I drove to the meeting place of the Board of International Heroes. Snow was falling softly as I left the truck and entered the building by way of the skylight.

I dropped from the roof and, using my gravity-easing shoes, landed in the middle of the heroes. I pointed the death ray directly at Captain Hero, taking half a moment to enjoy his helplessness, my victory, and I pulled the trigger.

Nothing happened, other than a spark shooting out of the death ray.

My eyes widened, but before I could do anything, multiple superheroes attacked.

I was beaten, practically to death, and the death ray was destroyed in front of my eyes, before something hit the back of my head and I was knocked unconscious.

I woke up in front of my lair. I don't know why they didn't turn me over to the police. I don't know who brought me back. I hobbled, bruised and stiff, into the lair and collapsed on the floor.

I noticed something in front of me.

It was the mysterious package I had received days ago. It was Christmas, I realized, and now I could open it.

Inside the box was a tiny, artificial Christmas tree, a delicate angel topping it, colored lights wrapped about it.

I pulled it out, and it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. My first Christmas present.

Underneath it was a note, scrawled on a small piece of paper.

In exchange for the tree I stopped you from cutting.

Captain Hero

I dropped the paper and began to sob.

December 24- Finished!

The death ray is finished!

It's beautiful. Gorgeous. Lovely. Superb.

And it works!

Friday, December 23, 2011

December twenty-third- Behind

Yeah, I'm behind on my posting. I just haven't been blogging and that's because there's nothing to blog about. I'm almost finished with my death ray- two more days. I have also decided to change the titles of my posts from the number of days I've blogged to the date. It's just simpler that way, you know?

Mathew is gone. He went home for the holidays, as did the rest of my minions. Even the cleaning lady is gone. The lair is really quiet. And I like it that way.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Day 19- Hey!

Well darn. I just realized, my blog isn't original. Doctor Horrible's Sing Along Blog was made long before this one. Drat.

It also occurred to me that I don't have an official villain name. I mostly go by Marian. My cousin, Marine, calls me Mari, which is, by the way, her nickname. Neither Marian nor Mari are exactly known for striking fear into the hearts of men. So... Any suggestions? Because I really wouldn't mind some.

On a totally different subject, I just thought I'd mention how awesome I am. Have you ever noticed that? I'm sure you have. I am. So cool.

Six days till death ray.

Day 18- Death ray

Well, since it is nearing completion, I thought I'd tell you a bit about the death ray.

The death ray itself is about two and a half feet long. It's pretty lightweight, considering its size, which is nice enough.

I'm not, embarrassingly enough, totally sure how it works. No wait, I do, I just choose not to tell you. It adds.... Like, intrigue or something that way.

The plan for the death ray is thus:

The Board of International Heroes is meeting at the city hall in the nearest large town. Captain Hero will be there, receiving a promotion, in front of a large amount of fans, fellow heroes, and a few wanna-be heroes who haven't yet earned the title of hero.

It's on that day that I shall take my revenge on the entire collection of heroes, for good. I'll kill Captain Hero first. Once they see the death ray in action, being the insecure bunch of cowardly politicians they are, they'll immediately surrender. I'll be the villain I've always intended to be.

Seven days until satisfaction.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Day 17- Titles!

Since nothing really happened today (okay, I lied- the intern messed up another case) I have decided to inform you that these posts will now have *gasp of excitement* Titles!

Yes! Not only will you have to read my boring and idiotic posts about my stupid intern, but you now have to read a title, too! Isn't it brilliant?

Aren't you so excited?

I'm so great I impress even myself. Thank you very much.

Please don't kill me.

Eight days till death ray.

Day 16

Life is full of surprises, isn't it?

One day, you'll be a reasonably successful soon-to-be evil overlord, the next, you'll be tortured and expected to die within the next thirty seconds.

What is the manner of my distress, you ask? (Shut up. You were supposed to ask; if you had, I wouldn't have had to interrupt a perfectly good rant like this.)

The torture is, and I kid you not, my new intern, curse him, likes opera.

Ugh, and there was wailing and moaning and gnashing of teeth!

Will it ever stop?  It's awful!

Eight days left till death ray.

Day 15- A new addition

Oh, no.

Oh no, oh no, oh no.

As you may have gathered, I live alone in my fortress (with the exception of a few random minions and henchmen). I'm fine with that.

And suddenly, I have an intern.

You wouldn't think it would be so bad. Not really. He's my cousin, and he's okay to talk with. But training? Ugh. Ugh, ugh.

This is going to be a long week. Or month. Or year. I don't really know how long he's staying. I suppose I could get him to do a few simple chores, maybe some menacing graffiti or something. He could break into a ninety-eight cents store or something. But really, he's hopeless. He lacks all evil potential.

Here's an example of what I mean. An accurate account of the yesterday:

'I walked into the room. There Mathew was (not a very over-lordly name), sitting on the couch of evil, writing a letter.
"What's that?" I asked.
"A letter."
"To who?"
"The Board of International Heroes. I want to lodge a formal complain about your treatment from Captain Hero," said Mathew, finishing writing and folding the paper into a nice, cream-colored envelope with a stamp depicting a puppy on it.
     Now, obviously a letter like that, especially from MY intern, would ruin my reputation as one of the better teenage villains in the country.
"You can't send that!" I said in absolute horror.
An argument followed, which started with the letter and ended with complaints that he was invading my personal space by doing things like eating my cookies or coming within eight yards of me while I'm trying to look cool while pulling off a robbery.

In the end, we solved the personal space solution in a very mature and reasonable manner: we drew a line across the middle of the onyx floor, dividing the fortress in half.

My half has the big screen TV.

I was writing this from my laptop while watching TV with smug satisfaction, when the mail man delivered a letter, from the Board of International Heroes, who have politely declined to terminate Captain Hero's job (and possibly himself). They also commented that it was rather unusual for tough evil overlords to whine.

Stupid TV.

Stupid intern.

Stupid letter.

Nine days till death ray completion. I might have a test target in mind.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Day 12, 13, 14


It has come to my attention that Captain Hero has learned of my death-ray, which is nearing completion. Through these past days he has attempted to find it- luckily I placed it in the one place no one will ever find, such as it is, buried within my fortress in a place of unrivaled secrecy (it's under my bed).

Ten days until completion.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Day 11

The package is staring at me.

I don't know how it's staring, but it is. It doesn't have eyes, but it's there, taunting me....

Thirteen days till death ray, but I might get ahead- it's going great!

Monday, December 12, 2011

Day 10

Today I got a package in the mail, with no return address.

Okay, that's weird. I don't get packages. I don't even get mail. This is probably because I don't have a mailbox and everyone I know hates me, but yeah.

I opened the package and, to my amazement and the general amazement of the furniture, it was a Christmas gift, obvious by the wrapping paper underneath the brown paper used for shipping.

Still amazed, I stuck it next to my Charlie Brown style Christmas tree.


Fourteen days till the death ray.

Day 9

Nothing at all has happened today. So.

IT'S SO FLUFF- I mean, MWAHAHAHA. Ahem. Evil kittens. Yeah.

Fifteen days till death ray.

Day 8

Okay, sorry for the delay, but I've been busy (I forgot).

Anyway, I will now try and catch up on the events of the past few days, which aren't particularly exciting.

Let's see.... I got beaten up by Captain Hero (he threw a car at my head), I destroyed a building (fine, fine, I admit it was scheduled for demolition anyway, but it still counts!) and I had a cup of tea. It was really gross.

So yeah. Busy day.

Sixteen days until the death-ray.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Day 7

The day's events were extraordinarily fortunate for me.

The night spent in the basement was long, made longer by the sound of Captain Hero watching television on the floor above us. My fellow villains were talking in a friendly manner, until they touched on the subject of why we were in our 'host's ' lair in the first place, specifically without his permission.

Once he found out he was pretty annoyed.

"You sneaked into my lair do destroy my death ray?" he bellowed at us.

"Yes," the two of us housebreakers said in unison.

He groaned. "It's not a death ray. It's a coffee machine. I called it a death ray because it doesn't sound very overlordly to say I built a coffee machine."

There was a few moments of silence, then my friend, thank goodness, announced that he had managed to untie himself.

He untied me too, and we both glanced at our mutual rival.

"He is competition," pointed out my friend.


"But he's not very good competition."


"But we still shouldn't risk letting him out. We did break into his lair, after all."

"That's also true."

So we left him. Captain Hero was asleep in front of the blaring TV, so we moved past him easily and left the lair.

My friend headed home, to his lair in Florida. I returned to my fortress as well.

Until tomorrow, my minions.

Seventeen days till completion of the death-ray.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Day 6

Today's events were mildly more exciting, by which of course, I mean completely chaotic.

My fellow villain and I were exploring a rival's lair without his knowledge, when my personal enemy, Captain Hero, decided to show up and, how does Hollywood put it, save the day.

Luckily for me, after he finished tying the three of us villains up, he destroyed the death ray that I intended to destroy myself, which was somewhat satisfying to watch. Unfortunately there is the small fact that I am currently tied to a chair in the basement, two other occupied chairs next to me, while Captain Hero is watching a movie on the other villain's high-definition TV. I am blogging on a laptop at my feet, typing with my toes. Brilliant. There had better be one heckuva escape plan being thought of by the two other villains in the room. Preferably one that involves me escaping too.

I brought some spare parts with me. Eighteen days until personal death ray completion.

Day 5

Nothing of interest has happened so far. Me and my friend have sneaked into my rival's fortress and are preparing to sabotage his death ray. I am blogging from his (the rival's) supercomputer.

Nineteen days till personal death ray completion.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Day 4

I am afraid, my minions, that I shall not be home for the next few days. I have received an invitation to help destroy some other villain's death ray with a friend. Obviously two death rays would result in competition, something I am unwilling to encounter. Thank you for understanding, though I really couldn't care less if you do.

Twenty days to the finished death ray.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Day 3

Today I decorated the lair for Christmas. After the failed bank robbery yesterday I didn't really have a lot of money for decorations, but I had a few strands of Christmas lights from last year and the year before and the year before that, I had my plastic nativity scene up, and I made some paper snowflakes, etc.

Of course, naturally I wanted a Christmas tree, so I went to cut one from the woods. Isn't it amazing I managed to pick the exact same day as Captain Hero?

Of course, he managed to find the best tree in the forest and was hauling it home with one hand, while writing all his Christmas cards at the same time, the jerk.

Despite my incredible super skills at hiding and camouflage (I jumped into a snowdrift) he managed to spot me.

Placing his Christmas cards and tree carefully on the ground, he thrust out his chin and issued some ridiculously egotistical challenge.

Of course, I proceeded to fight him in typical evil overlord fashion, which is to say, I turned and ran as fast as I could. And, for once, I managed to make it back to the EUL before he caught me.

Once in the EUL, I immediately headed into the laboratory and placed the unfinished death ray in the safe. I then headed to the safe room and, again in evil overlord fashion, locked and bolted the doors.

Outside came the sound of pure destruction.

When at last it was silent, I left the room, and discovered that my nemesis had indeed been busy. All the decorations were trashed. My snowflakes were ruined. My lights were shattered.

And I still need a Christmas tree.

On the plus side, the death ray is ahead of schedule. Twenty-one more days to go.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Day 2

Captain Hero beat me up again. Twice, actually. He's a jerk, I know. Who would dare beat me up? Besides someone with super strength, the ability to fly, and the power to keep his hair perfect all the time. Stupid hero.

Twenty-six more days until the death ray is finished.

Day 1

My first attempt at an account of my daily evil.

So, to business. I failed my first attempt at bank robbery last night. A pathetically common task, I am aware, but who's ever managed to conquer a nation without funds? No one at all. Thus, as pathetic as it was, I had to do it.

6:00 PM. Realized that I was out of propane. Thus the Underground Evil Lair (which shall now be known as the UEL) was getting a bit cool. I checked my personal vault, only to discover that I was out of money with which to pay for more fuel. I knew that extra torture chamber was a mistake.

6: 30 PM. After locating the keys to the Truck of Pure Evil, I discovered that the truck had two flat tires. Apparently my arch-nemesis, Captain Hero, discovered my lair. I should probably remove those directions from the internet.

7:00 PM. After failing to locate my spare tires, I hitchhiked to the nearest bank here in Redneckistan, which had closed for the night two hours previously. I was just preparing to launch my metal-melting gadget-thingy into the door, when Captain Hero, wearing his ridiculous outfit, stepped on my eight foot long cape, tossed me into the wall, shoved my head into through a window (that helmet actually works) and called the police. While he was explaining to them how he heroically apprehended the villain, with his hair blowing dramatically and his ultra-white teeth shining, and slammed her through a window, I managed to climb out of said window and sneaked home.

Twenty-seven more days until the death ray is finished.