Saturday, February 18, 2012

The letter

You might have guessed that the letter I received a few days ago was a Valentine's Day Card or something equally ridiculous.

But no. Instead... it was an invitation. I have been invited to attend a meeting with the leaders of the Board of International Villains (motto: "We will steal your mottoes and slaughter your acronyms.") who will be selecting a villain member to take over rule of an island country that is in need of a tyrant. It's small and reasonably powerless, but this is huge. The ultimate scholarship, if you will.

I don't know if I'm eligible. I have no idea.

But it's a possibility.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Valentine's Day

St. Valentine's day. A time for lovers, romance, eating chocolates until you explode and have to be mopped up, monstrously large and ugly stuffed animals, hearts, cards, and explosions.

Before I get into the discussion of explosions, I'd like to thank you all for your concern about my dislocated shoulder. There was no, y'know, audible concern, but I'd definitely like to think you were all worried about me (HEY! Quit throwing things!) so I thank you. Except you, with the big nose.

Anyhow, the first thing I did on Valentine's Day was get into an argument with Mathew about whether or not it was overlordly to give out flowers on Valentine's. After that, we were all business.

Since Mathew is supposed to be getting an education here, I figured I had better include him in my holiday preparations, so I allowed him to write the note, partially so he learns how to write phony messages, partially because I'd throw up if I tried to write it, and partially because he's got much better penmanship.

And here, without exaggeration, is what he wrote.

Dear Captain Hero,

I have always loved you from afar, watching you defeat that horrid villain, along with so many criminals, but now I manage to find the courage to present you with this box of chocolates, a symbol of my undying love for you, which, sadly, can be chewed and swallowed quickly, but while it remains, is beautiful. Please accept them with my gratitude for your always being there to lend a shadow of comfort to the miserable, wretched people of this town.

~Your 1'253th secret admirer.

Sappy, no? It was perfect.

The chocolates in question were poisoned, rigged to explode, filled with poisonous spiders, and the inside of the heart-shaped box was coated with broken glass.

I had Mathew leave it on the doorstep of Captain Hero's house, and we hid behind a bush to watch.

Unfortunately, Mathew had rigged the explosion slightly wrong.

After we cleaned the dead spiders out of our hair and clothes and ran down the street to avoid Captain Hero's fist of doom, I found a letter in the evil fortress.

Once I read it, it changed everything.

Feel free to guess what it was.

I'll tell you later.

But for now, know that it changed my life for good.

Monday, February 13, 2012


I apologize for my recent lack of blogging. It's partially due to the complexities of my sophisticated and elegant life, and partially due to my laziness.

And so, first order of business. Any tips for removing blood from couch cushions?

Second order of business:

It was come to my attention that Valentine's Day is tomorrow. And so, continuing the tradition that was started by my disastrous attempt on Christmas, I shall attempt to ruin St. Valentine's Day for my nemesis, Captain Hero, who is, unfortunately, still perfectly active. He recently dislocated my shoulder. Again.

This year, for Valentine's Day, my ultimate goal is to destroy the disgusting and abstract concept of romance. Should that fail, I'll settle for at least punching Captain Hero in the face a few times.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Fish Issues

This isn't really evil, but I'm telling you this because it's my excuse as to why it's been a while since I've posted.

I've been setting up a fish tank.

I love the little bubbly skull. And the fish are black- they're so cute!

Ahem. Anyway.

Because I really don't have anything else to do, I've composed a Q&A style guide to starting a fish tank. Successfully, this time.

Q: Do you need to feed them?

A: Yes. Try beer and potato chips. That usually seems to work.

Q: Do snails clean your tank?

A: They clean your tank about as much as they obey the laws of physics. In other words, not very much.

Q: Okay, do snails have brains?

A: No. Neither do you.

Q: What's the best type of tank?

A: I'm not really sure, but I'm leaning towards the watertight variety.

Q: What's the best type of fish?

A: Sharks. Unfortunately, these are a little large.