Valentine's Day

St. Valentine's day. A time for lovers, romance, eating chocolates until you explode and have to be mopped up, monstrously large and ugly stuffed animals, hearts, cards, and explosions.

Before I get into the discussion of explosions, I'd like to thank you all for your concern about my dislocated shoulder. There was no, y'know, audible concern, but I'd definitely like to think you were all worried about me (HEY! Quit throwing things!) so I thank you. Except you, with the big nose.

Anyhow, the first thing I did on Valentine's Day was get into an argument with Mathew about whether or not it was overlordly to give out flowers on Valentine's. After that, we were all business.

Since Mathew is supposed to be getting an education here, I figured I had better include him in my holiday preparations, so I allowed him to write the note, partially so he learns how to write phony messages, partially because I'd throw up if I tried to write it, and partially because he's got much better penmanship.

And here, without exaggeration, is what he wrote.

Dear Captain Hero,


I have always loved you from afar, watching you defeat that horrid villain, along with so many criminals, but now I manage to find the courage to present you with this box of chocolates, a symbol of my undying love for you, which, sadly, can be chewed and swallowed quickly, but while it remains, is beautiful. Please accept them with my gratitude for your always being there to lend a shadow of comfort to the miserable, wretched people of this town.

~Your 1'253th secret admirer.

Sappy, no? It was perfect.

The chocolates in question were poisoned, rigged to explode, filled with poisonous spiders, and the inside of the heart-shaped box was coated with broken glass.


I had Mathew leave it on the doorstep of Captain Hero's house, and we hid behind a bush to watch.

Unfortunately, Mathew had rigged the explosion slightly wrong.

After we cleaned the dead spiders out of our hair and clothes and ran down the street to avoid Captain Hero's fist of doom, I found a letter in the evil fortress.

Once I read it, it changed everything.

Feel free to guess what it was.

I'll tell you later.

But for now, know that it changed my life for good.