Saturday, April 21, 2012

Tyranny suits me, I admit. It's such a nice feeling to do what you please, to tell others to do what you please, and to tax them till their eyeballs fall out if they don't obey you.

Of course, it's not all luxury out here in Gothica. Every time it rains, my evil fortress drips everywhere, and all the pots and pans get in my way when I'm trying to arrive at my torture chamber. And just last week Captain Hammer interrupted my evil schemes by destroying the left wing of the fortress. Unfortunately, I happened to be in that particular wing at the time, and now I have a sprained wrist and this very villainly scar across my lower jaw.

But other than that, it's been working out pretty well. I got some more henchmen in, so now I can afford to relax a little from the rebels and worry about assassination from within instead.

Of course, there was a  mild adventure the other day, which was horrifyingly embarrassing, as well as painful.

Gothica is located in an area which receives severe storm damage, and every inhabitant knows it's not a good idea to venture out when there's a storm warning.

Unfortunately, I'm not every inhabitant, and so when Pepper asked me to go out and look for Salt in the rain, I foolishly said yes. I mean, I can't have my prime lackey just going missing, not to mention he has my car keys.

Outside the fortress, it was practically a hurricane. Howling winds, pouring rain, generally not the place I really wanted to be. Pepper should be able to get her own dratted brother. Memo to self: Kill Pepper at earlier possible chance.

So anyway, I was just getting started searching, when I heard some random shout in the distance. Supposing it to be Salt, I followed the noise.

It was an hour or two later when I began to feel a slight bit lost.

Anyway, as I was thrashing through the jungle, I came upon hell itself.

Or, in other words, my arch enemy.

Captain Hero, Corporate tool.

Of course, I wasn't exactly in a position to display my incredible prowess in battle, so I cleverly pretended to be temporarily incapacitated. This was easy to pretend, because I was tired, hungry, wet and miserable.

Of course, Captain Hero was wet too, but he was looking perfectly comfortable while he was soaked.

So anyway, after a few brief threats, we got down to business.

"Why are you out here?" he started with.

"I'm exploring my island, you twit."

"I should probably just kill you know."

"You're a hero type. You can't do that."

"Excellent point. So seriously, why are you out here?"

"I'm lost."

"That explains a lot."

"Why are you out here, then?"

"I'm..." he hesitated. "Exploring."

"Do me a favor? Explore in the direction of the fortress."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"I'm lost," he admitted, and we both groaned. I hate my life.

"That doesn't do either of us any good," I said after we were done groaning. "Seriously, don't you have some sort of GPS on your utility belt?"

"No, I get by on muscle alone."

"That doesn't help us much here."

He placed his hands on his hips, hair somehow fluttering in the breeze though it was soaking wet. "Good shall triumph!"


"I will find a way out!"


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