Thursday, August 2, 2012

Progressing Nicely

The enslavement of Gothica is progressing nicely. There was a pathetic peasant's celebration in the town today, which I almost succeeded in obliterating.

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It started with me, Pepper and Salt slipping quietly from my evil lair towards the village, each of us carrying a large quantity of explosives. Each of us meaning, Salt and Pepper were carrying them. I was busy too; I was using my far superior intellect to supervise and make sure they didn't mess up.

"Hurry up, would you?" I hissed back at Salt, who had been lagging behind at the time. He gave me a slight shrug and picked up the pace a little. Pepper rolled her eyes; I made a mental note to discipline her any time I felt like getting some sort of painful facial injury.

Ha ha. I am, of course, joking. It's not like she'd dare.

I left Mathew to hold down the fort. I think he was playing Solitaire on the computer when I left. He's addicted. It's the safest way to leave him.

We planted the miscellaneous bombs around the festival at strategic locations. There was dancing. I laugh with scorn.

While I was busy laughing with scorn, Pepper handed me the detonator. That wasn't surprising. I had instructed her to do just that. However, in hindsight, that was very probably a mistake.

 I slipped it into my Evil Black Coat of Darkness' pocket (which was a mistake to wear, because it was a hot, humid evening on a tropical island, but then, appearances are important), and just as I was finished laughing with scorn, someone grabbed my arm and pulled me into the circle of dancers.

I gagged to myself. Couldn't believe it. Dancing? Who in their own, twisted mind would dream of yanking me, ME into a circle of happy idiots clapping their hands in time to music?

I yelled, but I don't think anyone heard over the sound of the music and cheering.

Being shoved randomly about, I was passed off to the person behind me - what? Switching partners? What new imbecility was this? - and swung around.

As I was swinging, I caught a glimpse of the man's face. I didn't know his name, but I knew his face; he was one of the members of Captain Hero's "secret" rebellion. He was grinning. The fool.

I started to reach towards my pocket, towards the detonator, but he grabbed my wrist and twirled and shoved me backwards to the next man. I didn't recognize this one, but I still wasn't very pleased about it.

And then, as I was trying to fight to get away, across the circle of dancers I saw Captain Hero, dancing with some beautiful blonde with flowing skirts. I knew the girl. Her name was Chelsea. She was a doctor, of sorts. She helped in the rebellion. This wasn't right.

I struggled again to get free, and I was passed off to the dancer behind me. I screamed in anger at the way these idiotic natives were treating me. What did they think they were doing?!? Enough! They were, all of them, beneath me! I am an OVERLORD, you dull creatures, and will not be danced with by-!

Well, that's not precisely what I was thinking. It's a modified quote from the Avengers. But it's what I should have said.

I was passed to the next dancer. If I were a lesser creature, such as a normal human being, I might have almost found this enjoyable. Fortunately, I am not.

That was when I finally managed to get a hand into my pocket.

The detonator was, naturally, not there.

The man I was dancing with threw me to the side, into the middle of the circle, and all the dancers ran for cover, small children giggling with delight as parents pulled them aside.

The explosions went off.

I didn't get blown up, obviously. Just a little sore, from most of a palm tree landing on me. I also have another dislocated arm. Oh yes, and I'm writing this from a cell, using only one hand. That's a problem, too.

Not much of a problem, though. After Captain Hero cuffed me, I managed to grab a small bit of wire from one of the bombs. I'm picking the lock in between paragraphs. Yes, the cell has a computer. No, I don't know why.

So, I guess, soon I'll be trying again.

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